Life

I haven't been going to church lately sadly. I just feel like I shouldn't go. I need to change this attitude. Church is important and I know this. I guess I just feel unworthy or something. I haven't been going to seminary. I probably have over 20 abstences, but that is ok. If I do start going, that's ok. I'll go for the spiritual experience. Not the whole seminary graduation thing. Which I wouldn't be able to do anyway because it'll be only three years that I've done it, not four.

I don't really want to be at school now, but I know I need to be here to do work. I don't feel like doing any my classwork. I just want to be gone. Leave. Go somewhere. I have work today. And I should be thinking about my future if I did ever to decide to leave. It'll mess me up somehow in the long run. So here I am still at the school typing away at this computer not studying when I should or do the Spanish work that need to be done.

Things have been happening. And I think I might be changing because of it. I don't know how I should be feeling now. I think I'm numb. Very numb. But at the same time I can't help but somewhat feel the normal self. I don't know. I'm all mix up now. I'm in love with a great guy. But he thinks he doesn't deserve me. I think more of in the end I don't deserve him. I mean, look at me. I can't really express myself well except like maybe when I write. I want to cry want now, but I can't cause that would cause a scene. Although, that probably would get me out of class and maybe get me home, but then I would have to explain all the things that are going on in my mind or what has been happening.

I'm on my tenth journal now. You know, for like the past four journals, Caleb has been in all of them. I think he's the most person I ever had talked about before. I'm such a loser.

On Sunday, I lost all the music on my lap top. Which really sucks. Some of the music was saved because they were considered purchase on my iPod so it transfered it back on my laptop. I've been trying to put videos on my iPod but that isn't working.

Angels on the Moon is playing on my iPod right now. A song that is somewhat appropriate for how I somewhat feel. Or its just nice and slow and it ... I don't know. What the heck am I talking about?

I...

I should probably go soon to start writing in my Spanish journal but I will do that in like five minutes.

I left my cell phone in my car. I want to check it to see if I have any messages. I'm thinking about doing it during lunch time. I have to see though. I'll do it like during the last five minutes of lunch or something before I go to Spanish. Ug. Spanish. I have a test in there. Not looking forward to it. I have a C in there now because I can't talk right (and I need to work on my vocabulary).

Now Halo is playing on my iPod.

I should go now.

I feel like saying I want to die or be gone right now... But I know I just need to keep looking forward like I did in my freshman year when I decided not to be sad anymore after all those years in middle school and 5th grade. I also need to pray and read my scriptures. I know He is there. I just need to turn to Him. But I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to do things on my own. I need to stop that. Someone help me.

If someone is actually reading this blog. Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just typing away on whatever comes into my head. I'll be fine. I know I will. This blog is somewhat acting like a diary for me. I need to stop that. Good bye.