Failing at Life

I believe I have a F- at life right now. I feel like I can't do anything. How does everyone else balance things out?

School

So here I am at school. =)

So far, it's been pretty easy and good. It's cold though. I wished I didn't leave my jacket in the car, but I did. Hm.... Reminder to self, do not ever do that again.

Caleb and Jenna (especially Jenna. :) I love her) talk about coming to the school and spending the day with me. =) That would really be fun I think. I'm looking forward to that if they actually do have the chance to do it.

I'm gonna go now. Do some other things.

How Am I Functioning?

I'm wondering on how I feel ok right now when I haven't been sleeping and................................
:) Anyway, I should get ready for school. Just felt like babbling in here for a second.
Later.

Movie

Was going to see a movie with some friends tonight. But then we ended up returning the tickets. Oh well...It wasn't like one of the movies that were on the top of my list.
I can't wait to eat some Chinese food on Sunday (that is if I can get Chinese food. :) I'm looking quite forward to it if I do. )
Um......I don't know really what else to talk about. I think I will go now...
Oh, the movie we were going to see was going to be my first midnight release. Oh well....I can say that my first movie midnight release was New Moon. :) That is a movie I am looking forward to. :)

Sad

     I feel really sad.  I've been reading this book called Hard Love.  It makes me think of somethings that I guess that have happen recently.  It reminds me of people that I care about.  It reminds me of how I felt when the character were going through something similar...(some things that I have experienced before).

     I want to be hold.  I want to be comforted.  I want someone to tell me that everything is all right.

     I know I'm being stupid.  But that is how I feel.

     I can't quite say what is the source of my sadness...I guess it is a collection of things that have been happening.

     But I need to be strong.  I need to be supportive for someone else who is already sad enough.  If I am sad, how am I suppose to help him?

     I want to cry again.   I've already cried here in the school.

     Sometimes I wonder if I cover up too much or something.    It always seem like people can't tell how I feel except a few.  And at that moment I'm ok so I shrug it off saying that I'm fine.

     Why am I like this?  Is it because I'm fasting?  Is it because it is just the way I am?  Or is it the book?  Or is me remembering things?  Is it me just being stupid?

     What is wrong with me?

     I get the feeling that I might wake up the next day and wonder why I wrote all of this.  That I will call myself for being stupid and making things a big deal when it is not so bad.

     How is it that at a particular moment I can feel so sad and have these negative emotions when I know sooner or later I'll be happy.

     Seems like I have been crying a bit recently.  But I also have some good times thrown in to.  I want to stop feeling like this.  I really do.

     I'm starting to feel a little better by writing all this out...I don't think people actually read what I'm typing, but that is ok.  Feels somewhat good knowing that someone someday might read this when I am like thirty.  And then if they ask me about it I might just laugh and say I just wasn't really feeling good and that everything is ok now.

     Actually I really do feel better now.  I need to finish reading that book.  Very easy reading but brings powerful emotions, ya know?

     I'm gonna get goin.  Update my other blog and then start reading again.

     I'm going to do my best at making every moment count.  And make those sad ones not last so long.  I'm going to focus on the times that I am happy.  Like this Tuesday, I went out to my friends house, and after one of my friends who were there (well live there) finished their test with their classmate (who I think is pretty cool. :) ), we went out to the EMU campus to star gaze.  I loved it so much.  I've always wanted to do that with friends.  Just lie down on the ground and look at the stars.  And I got to know my friends better too.  :)  And even though I haven't really slept the night before that and I was starting to talk crazy like I normally do when I have no sleep, it was so much fun.  I told Jenna I wanted to do that again.  We might do it on Saturday.  But I was watching the news yesterday and it said how is was going to rain Friday and Saturday morning.  I hope we can still go and the rain stops like at lunch time.

     I bought a new laptop from Jeremiah. :)  Compared to my other one it is so much better!  I'm excited and happy about it.  Thank you Jeremiah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Anyway, I should really get going now.

     Later. :)

     P.S.  Feels good to write somewhere else besides my journal.  This place allows me to feel like I'm screaming to world about how I feel without literally screaming. :)

School

     I am at school right now doing my study hall.  I've been taking care of my finances and such in the library.  I wish I had faster internet at home so I can do it all there instead of like at school or something.

     I've been having people spending the night at my house for like the past three nights.  I think I am going to be by myself tonight.  I don't really want to be by myself...but I'll have to get used to it.  I guess I just don't really like the idea of being alone.  But what else am I going to do?  I don't want to be all needy or anything.  I'm so stupid.

     I wish the school system would let us get on Facebook so I can check up on that and update things, but they don't.  Be nice if I could check my gmail too.  I can check my AOL mail though. :)  So at least that's something I can do.  And I can be on here on my blogs. :)

     I want to play on my video games more, but I should probably being doing school work.  Actually, I should be getting back to school work now.

     I donated some blood today. :)  Third time donar!!!  Yay!!! :)  So, I won't be able to donate again until Dec. 10, 2009.  Wish will be exciting. :)  Yea, I know.  I'm weird for getting excited about donating my blood, but I like to help people.

     Ok, I'm gonna go now and start working.  Although I don't really want to, but it's something I gotta do right? :)  Later!

Life II

     I don't know what to think.  All I know is that I need to really well in school and become a better disciple of Jesus Christ.  Those are the only things I am sure of.

     Otherwise, I feel somewhat dead now.  Guess I am still figuring out a relationship I am having with someone.  I just don't know what to think.  Been through so many emotions with this person.  Trying to figure out if they actually care or if I am just something to cuddle with because at the moment he doesn't have someone else.  He said that he thinks that me being a Latter Day Saint will cause problems (No alcohol, no fornication, belief of prophets).  He came over last night and seemed so bummed because he ended up saying good by to another girl... One of my friends said they think he is being a player.  I am just trying to figure out if he just got confuse like he said or can't really decide.  I remember him saying how he was an indecisive person.  He told me that he just couldn't decide which one to be with so he was just hoping that one of us would just say to "back off" or "stay out of my life".

     I have to go.  Bell rung.

Life

I haven't been going to church lately sadly. I just feel like I shouldn't go. I need to change this attitude. Church is important and I know this. I guess I just feel unworthy or something. I haven't been going to seminary. I probably have over 20 abstences, but that is ok. If I do start going, that's ok. I'll go for the spiritual experience. Not the whole seminary graduation thing. Which I wouldn't be able to do anyway because it'll be only three years that I've done it, not four.

I don't really want to be at school now, but I know I need to be here to do work. I don't feel like doing any my classwork. I just want to be gone. Leave. Go somewhere. I have work today. And I should be thinking about my future if I did ever to decide to leave. It'll mess me up somehow in the long run. So here I am still at the school typing away at this computer not studying when I should or do the Spanish work that need to be done.

Things have been happening. And I think I might be changing because of it. I don't know how I should be feeling now. I think I'm numb. Very numb. But at the same time I can't help but somewhat feel the normal self. I don't know. I'm all mix up now. I'm in love with a great guy. But he thinks he doesn't deserve me. I think more of in the end I don't deserve him. I mean, look at me. I can't really express myself well except like maybe when I write. I want to cry want now, but I can't cause that would cause a scene. Although, that probably would get me out of class and maybe get me home, but then I would have to explain all the things that are going on in my mind or what has been happening.

I'm on my tenth journal now. You know, for like the past four journals, Caleb has been in all of them. I think he's the most person I ever had talked about before. I'm such a loser.

On Sunday, I lost all the music on my lap top. Which really sucks. Some of the music was saved because they were considered purchase on my iPod so it transfered it back on my laptop. I've been trying to put videos on my iPod but that isn't working.

Angels on the Moon is playing on my iPod right now. A song that is somewhat appropriate for how I somewhat feel. Or its just nice and slow and it ... I don't know. What the heck am I talking about?

I...

I should probably go soon to start writing in my Spanish journal but I will do that in like five minutes.

I left my cell phone in my car. I want to check it to see if I have any messages. I'm thinking about doing it during lunch time. I have to see though. I'll do it like during the last five minutes of lunch or something before I go to Spanish. Ug. Spanish. I have a test in there. Not looking forward to it. I have a C in there now because I can't talk right (and I need to work on my vocabulary).

Now Halo is playing on my iPod.

I should go now.

I feel like saying I want to die or be gone right now... But I know I just need to keep looking forward like I did in my freshman year when I decided not to be sad anymore after all those years in middle school and 5th grade. I also need to pray and read my scriptures. I know He is there. I just need to turn to Him. But I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to do things on my own. I need to stop that. Someone help me.

If someone is actually reading this blog. Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm just typing away on whatever comes into my head. I'll be fine. I know I will. This blog is somewhat acting like a diary for me. I need to stop that. Good bye.